I haven’t blogged in a while. It isn’t because I haven’t had anything to
share, it is just I have had a lot going on in my life as of late. Not many people know this, not because I was
ashamed of it but because I had to learn how to wrap my head around it. Late last year I had to have a complete
hysterectomy. About three years ago I
started having some female issues. I
knew something wasn’t quite right. I
knew my body was trying to tell me something so like so many women I chose to
take the first doctor at her word and I pushed things to the side and thinking,
well this is just part of getting older.
I know many of you know what I am talking about right? I thought, well they are the ones with M.D.
behind their name, they know what they are talking about so I tried to “live
with it” as I was told it was part of getting older and being overweight. I continued to have problems….one problem
would lead to another problem, I got to where I felt like shit all the time and
it seemed as though I was doing more complaining than living. I was hateful to my family; especially my
kids and I thank them for not wanting to commit me to some insane asylum
(especially poor Christina). I think she
got the brunt of all of my frustration and crappy feelings. My
poor husband probably thought, “OH DEAR LORD, I have married a psycho”. As bad as I felt I could never tell anyone
what felt bad. I JUST FELT BAD!! I couldn’t sleep, all I wanted to do was eat
(that is the way I deal with things), I didn’t want to fix my hair, wear nice
clothes…etc.…I could not for the life of me put into words just exactly what
hurt and where.
Ever since I was a teenager, you know old enough to go to
the “female” doctor; I have always made it priority to maintain good female
medical care. I always had my check-ups on a regular basis
and when it came time for my yearly mammograms I am very diligent about having
those as well. I don’t always find them
pleasant but if you are going to be proactive with your health you have to take
a stand and make it a priority. So,
every year I was in the doctor’s office like clockwork. Like I said, I had been having issues, or I
thought something was going on, for about three years. I started becoming irregular, then it would
be constant, then it would change again. When I was younger I never had any
type of problems before. I went to one doctor
he told me it was my weight, went to another doctor and she told me I was
diabetic. I felt they were NOT listening
to me. There were treating my symptoms,
not treating me. I was so frustrated and
down trodden that I thought well, one more opinion wouldn’t hurt. I found another doctor who I am simply
convinced was my God-send. She listened
when I talked to her. When I told her
what MY body was doing and how I felt.
She actually gave me insight on great options to start with and then we
would go from that point. She didn’t
tell me it was all in my head. For three
years I had been having normal pap smears. I repeat….NORMAL!! When I started going to my new doctor, same thing...Normal. She
told me she would like to do an ultra-sound and when she did she noticed some issues
there and sent me for a D&C. This
was a one day procedure which I had at Thanksgiving of 2012. Not the most enjoyable Thanksgiving but not
the worst either (the worst being when I had the flu and strep throat at the
same time on Thanksgiving). The next two
weeks were so excruciating. Finally, I
went back for my follow-up….My wonderful, supportive husband came along to hold
my hand. I go back first in the room and
as my doctor comes in she sits down and says, “Marie, I am not going to lie to
you…there were some things in your D&C that I did not like. You have pre-cancerous cells growing in your
uterus.” Well, I don’t care if it is “pre-cancer”
or cancer all you hear is CANCER!! The next
few sentences she uttered were literally like hearing Charlie Brown’s teacher
talking in the classroom. All I could
say was, “Will you please go get my husband?”
I wanted to throw up, cry, scream and just crawl in a hole. Once Greg was back there all I remember is
looking at him thinking…”What has this man done in his lifetime to deserve
this?” His first wife died from Leukemia
in 1999 and now this…..I remember very little about this office visit other
than coming out of the doctor’s office with an appointment with a GYN
Oncologist. The car ride home was rather
silent. Greg kept asking me if I was
okay…..I didn’t know if I was okay…..I knew I wanted to hit something so hard
that I would have either broken it or my hand.
I questioned God. I wanted to
know what I had done that was so terrible that I had to go through this
situation. Greg, bless his heart, tried
every way to not make a big deal out of it when I know deep down he was
questioning God also. So, I go to my
visit with the GYN Oncologist, who is a TRULY AMAZING man!! And he took the time to talk to me and to
tell me and Greg what the next steps were going to be. So the day after Christmas, Dec 26, 2012, I
was scheduled for a full complete hysterectomy.
Needless to say, Christmas had a whole new meaning this past year. My mom and dad and my husband were there for
my surgery. I told my kids it was just a
small procedure, no big deal, because I didn’t want them to worry. I was there at UT overnight….Had wonderful
care. What a great group of people at UT
Hospital. I came home to recover. Not a bad surgery, laparoscopic, so I had
some pain and discomfort but not what it used to be before this
procedure became available. My follow-up
with my surgeon was an eye opener. He
relayed to me that this surgery was one of the best surgeries I could have ever
done for myself. He said the uterus didn’t
just have pre-cancerous cells it had cancer cells growing. He told me I was lucky. He told me they had gotten all of the cancer
and I should not have any other problems BUT I had to be under his observation
for the next five years. I am fine with
that, so for the next year I have to go back every three months, then the next
two years every six months, and then the next three years once a year visits
just to monitor me to make sure I do not have any issues. I CAN LIVE with that!! LOL….CAN LIVE…..I WILL LIVE with that!! I tell Greg all the time that I hate the scars on my stomach. I tease him and say, "Well, with these scars I will never wear a bikini again!" LOL He just rubs my scars and says..."They are the most beautiful scars in the world, because without them I could have lost you!" He is so sweet!! There are truly no words to describe the love I have for this man.
The gift of life is fragile and few may realize just how
precious it can be. I have come to terms
with the fact that I had cancer. I found
out a lot of things about myself. I am
still a strong woman….I just have an even stronger support group (i.e. my
family). I am proud of myself for
listening to MY BODY!! I chose to be proactive in my health! Had I chosen to
ignore my problems I shudder at the results.
I did question God A LOT!! I don’t
so much now as I did in the beginning but I still want to know why he chose me
to walk this path. This path isn’t a
path for the faint of heart or the weak.
I have never thought of myself as strong willed or strong in general. I have always considered myself someone that
just does what she needs to do to get through life and be happy. This has made
me realize a lot more about myself. I
often believe that God chose this path for me to open my eyes and get back in
church. Which, I have….Not the same
church or denomination as before but somewhere that I feel comfortable and
happy. I look at things
differently. I cherish each day. I try to make life fun and not live the
mundane life everyone seems to get caught up in. I love to laugh and to make others laugh. I still get aggravated and disheartened at
times but HEY, I am human. I love my
kids, I look at them in a totally different light now, and they are adults and
are working on their own lives. I want
to spend more time with my husband and my beautiful grandson. I want to smell the roses more often than I
did before. I appreciate my husband
more. I value the time I have with my
parents. I just love life!
Cancer is a horrible, horrible disease. It affects so many people on so many levels;
Infants, young children, teens, adults, the elderly. It isn’t picky….you can be male, female,
white, black, young; old…..it has no boundaries. My advice to all of my friends and family….When
something does not feel right in your core, or you just can’t put your finger
on what is ailing you….just remember to keep fighting YOUR fight until you get
the answers! It is YOUR body, take
control of YOU!! I love you all!! Thanks for listening and PRAY daily without
ceasing. And don’t forget to…..
Love Loud!!
Marie
